“I Deserved It” - The Reward Cycle That Kept Me Exhausted

For years, I ended my workday the same way many high-achieving professionals do. I’d shut my laptop, take a deep breath, and tell myself, “I deserve a drink.”

It felt earned. I’d made decisions, led teams, carried pressure, held things together, all while raising two kiddos.  That first drink always felt like a release. I could finally take a moment to just not think and numb it all out. 

I would usually only drink Thursdays during the week but the weekends turned into “letting loose” because i again needed to reward myself for "getting through" the week. By Monday morning, I was never actually rested. I was tired, anxious, slightly foggy, and already stressed before the day even began.

I kept waiting for a weekend that actually restored me, where I’d wake up clear, calm, and ready to start fresh. But it never came.

Instead:
• I woke up groggy, telling myself I’d recharge next time.
• My patience wore thin faster, especially at home.
• I carried anxiety into Monday morning before I even opened my email. 
• I wasn’t resting. I was numbing.

Drinking didn’t help me unwind. It helped me disconnect.

That temporary break from stress came with a long-term cost. I was constantly trying to recover instead of actually recovering. I felt like I was always starting from behind.

Eventually, I had to get honest: alcohol wasn’t giving me the break I thought it was. It was keeping me from the clarity and energy I needed as a leader, a mom, and a human trying to live with purpose.

What changed when I stopped using alcohol as my “reward”

Once I removed alcohol I had to actually feel my stress instead of soothing it. That forced me to create habits that truly helped me recover. I had to ask new questions:

• What does real rest look like for me?
• What actually helps me feel grounded the next day?
• How do I release stress without paying for it tomorrow?
• What would it feel like to start Monday already steady?

I learned:
• True rest gives more back than it takes.
• Clarity feels better than checking out.
• Confidence grows when you wake up proud of your decisions.
• Relief and renewal are not the same thing.

Now, I walk into each week with a clear head.  I make decisions with more certainty. I process stress in healthy ways, I know when to rest and I  feel more present in all situations. 

If you’ve ever said, “I deserve this,” here’s something to consider

Maybe the question isn’t whether you deserve it. Maybe the question is: does it actually give back to you?

There’s a difference between escaping your day and restoring yourself from it.

You deserve more than relief. You deserve renewal.